


regardless of how soft the touch (I Still Bruise)

by imapartofallthativemet



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-12
Updated: 2020-07-12
Packaged: 2021-03-05 06:20:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25229737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imapartofallthativemet/pseuds/imapartofallthativemet
Summary: After visiting Lillian, Lena cannot shake how distressing it is for her to maintain their relationship. In the process of a panic attack, Kara rings and they navigate it as a couple.-or-sometimes in the process of learning to live long term with panic attacks and mental health and abuse, we don't always need to have full-blown therapy session de-escalations but just the idea that there is a future outside of the situation we feel trapped in. This is just a glimpse at a couple who is navigating how to give the panic attacks the care it needs but also them navigating it with self-care and pulling out of the spiral.-or-I really love that kara can aid Lena in not assuming her life with be doom and gloom and pain until the end and this is how they navigate that together
Relationships: Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor
Comments: 1
Kudos: 109





	regardless of how soft the touch (I Still Bruise)

**Author's Note:**

> This is just a drop in note to say this fic deals with a resulting panic attack about the more nuance and under the surface level implications of lillians abuse of lena. if this is not for you, it is okay. 
> 
> I wish anyone who is struggling with their mental health peace and calm and rest today. 
> 
> all my love, 
> 
> Samwise
> 
> (Title taken from Bruise by Casey.)

Lena wonders, cooly as she descends into the back of her driver's car if she ever stops seeing those blank calculated eyes as dangerous. As a wolf cycling, it’s prey. 

As she settles into the plush leather seats, the rich red seat fabric is the first thing her eyes cling to. Her hands are the only thing she can truly feel as she works through the steps that Kara has provided her from her own book of panic attack grounding tricks. She reaches for the water tumbler and pours herself a tall glass and drinks it, imagining the soft smile Kara would offer in exchange for a step towards caring for herself that felt so foreign to Lena. 

Traffics going to be bad today Miss, the driver calls back through the intercom. Perhaps 45 mins to LCORP. 

Lena offers the last firm vocal agreement she can offer before she's allowed the privacy to come back. She presses her back into the chair as much as she can as a way to remind herself she is still real, still safe, that it’s over. It’s over until next month at least when she feels overwhelmed by the idea that no family is truly hers. That now, all of the relationships she has and can build are a constant struggle to keep a front that she is not who she truly is, not the person who has lost every person at the cost of who she cannot be. 

Her mother, Lillian, never stops looking at her with those eyes. _I’m stuck with you. You remind me too much of your drunkard, foolish father._ And worse, _You’re dreaming foolishness and hope comes from that whore of a mother. Wandering in the fields like a nymph. The real world is cold and calculated and a fight for power and survival. Lex learned it. Do I have to force you to? What more can it take?_

_You’re so emotional Lena, so easily manipulated. So easily fooled. What a pity, with those Luthor smarts. You could have been extraordinary._

Lena did pick up some Luthor tricks along the way, and when these affirmations from Lillian came fresh and thick and full one after the other, she would counter them with quips and venom of her own. She wishes they would land as they did in Lena’s soul, like timed nukes that exploded everything she built to keep moving in this life. 

But as the sly, demonized grin would grow on Lillian’s face, she realized this was what she wanted to craft Lena into. That this was the goal. 

The panic has mounted more than Lena knows she can reign in now. She’s moved to lay on her back and counting, just counting to ten. She feels physically as though it would be useless to breathe, as the anvil on her chest and the lack of relief tied to breathing have left her entirely now. 

What does she need right now? What is going to help her finally feel safe? 

The irritation of a calling ringing roars to life a rage she knows is unlike who she wants to be, unlike the future she is so desperate to build, but she feels it course through her hot and fresh. Jerking up, she looks to see who else wants to take a jab at her today. 

Answering it blindly, she goes “This better be important.”

“Oh.” and again, Lena has made another mistake. She can hear the confusion and masked hurt of Kara’s voice as she shifts her intentions of the call quickly, but not quickly enough for Lena to feel the drop in Kara’s throat and the cool water as it rushes over Lena’s body. Not Kara, fuck. 

“I, uh, I can call back. It wasn’t important.”

Lena’s eyes fill with tears as the panic and the despair and the hanging weight of her Luthor doom are present with her in every step she wants to make next. How much she needs Kara and her kindness and her warmth and without realizing, she struck out. She’s realizing how out of time Lena is, something she’s noticing with her Panic attacks when she hears a more focused concerned voice tries again. “Lee? What’s going on.”

“I’m just in the middle of a panic attack.” She offers, keeping her tone light and unbothered as if it were just an update on the traffic. If the only thing she was bothered was about the traffic. “It’s nothing I can’t handle on my own, I’m sorry I snapped. I didn’t know it was you on the other line.” 

Kara hums, “It’s okay, I know it’s hard to communicate effectively when your bodies in that much turmoil.” Lena’s eyes are warm with the swelling water that pools in her eyes. The understanding and kindness offered were new, and wanted, so very fucking wanted, but now that she's lashed out, the conversation feels tilted into her once again, trying to un-prove that she is just like her family. Can she really put Kara, of all people, in the position of her own entrapment with a wolf? Trying to spend its whole life telling her she is not a threat, that she will not harm. 

“Lena?” Lena blinks, and while she can not place the items, she is still somewhat aware that she is in a vehicle. That it is moving. That there is seating and cabinets and tv with business news playing on 30 min loops. That the windows may be tinted but she can make out the ocean moving with the car, slowly but surely. 

“I’m here, Kara.” Lena returns. “I’m having a really hard time, I don’t want to burden you with it.” 

“We talked about this,” Kara offers softly. “Nothing too big for me, not for us. It sounds like somethings really scared you. Can you tell me whats happened.”

And a half-second burst of a sob fights its way out of Lena’s mouth but she reigns it back in before the driver can hear, she knows that Kara did not miss it. 

“It’s okay, we don’t have to talk about it. Would you like to hear about the new donut place I found with Alex the other day? I think you would like it, they have organic and vegan and gluten-free and well, any sort of health modification, I didn’t really pay attention.” and it elicits a small chuckle from Lena. “I had this donut with fruitloops on it, and they had these Lattes with Cereal Milk.”

“Cereal Milk?” Lena forces out, her confusion overpowering her inability to speak. 

Kara chuckles warmly, “Yeah, Cereal Milk! You never drank the milk after a bowl? It’s the best! I was thinking of going back and asking if they sold it by the gallon. Or I mean, I could make it myself and bottle it up, who knows. Cause like it could be fruit loops or captain crunch or honey nut cheerios or Nesquik, but I guess that’s just chocolate milk?” 

Kara doesn’t know this, but Lena’s fear has slowly begun to decline as she hears her girlfriend ponder these little details, insignificant to the world but important for the two of them. It amazes her every time that Kara, who's been beaten to the point of death more times that anyone who loves her is comfortable acknowledging, can actually find joy in the idea of making cereal milk and drinking it by the gallon. 

She wonders if one day, she’ll be able to move past only being able to see the entrapment of the Luthor family, the Luthor legacy, and it’s shackles on her ankles. To enjoy the little things like Kara does. 

“Your breathing sounds a bit better already.” Kara offers, “Have you taken your meds? Have you had some water?” Lena forgot the medication prescribed to her by Alex. Ativan, can be used for sleeping but can ease a panic attack and still keep you alert if bad enough intensity to the system. 

“I forgot about the medication,” Lena replies meekly, ashamed. 

“That's okay! Do you wanna take it now? I can wait.” Kara offers, and Lena moves to grab it from her purse and places it under her tongue. “While it dissolves, what I was calling about was, I’m just about to finish up an article here and I was thinking about Lunch? Are you at LCORP? I can swing by?”

“No actually, I’m on the road but we’re about 20 or so minutes out.” 

“If you tell him to pull over and get me the street crossings, I can come to get you. Why don’t we take the afternoon off? I found this new park I wanna show you.” 

and so Lena does, it’s a quiet tree-lined city suburb street, she takes the moment to allow herself to feel the air brush through her silk fabric shirt and take in the crisp open blue sky. She can hear the whoosh and soft landing of Kara as she drops behind her. Lena moves and is wrapped into Kara’s arms and they’re off. 

The afternoon is spent on a soft flannel blanket, Kara’s back against a tree, and Lena between her legs as they just spend the afternoon taking in the warm summer weather. It helps, Lena allows herself to acknowledge, that days aren’t always just balancing the distress of her family. That Kara gets it, that it's not something shameful to admit. 

She can feel the light prickly touch as Kara runs her hands down Lena’s arms and secures them around her stomach. A warm, purposeful kiss is placed on her cheek, spread wide in the form of a grin. 

“I’m serious about the cereal milk, do you think we could mass market it?” Lena rolls her eyes and leans back into Kara's embrace. 

“If I have to sue any and all bakeries to do it, for you, sure.” 


End file.
